Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match! Or, save your money and trust Aunt Doris.

My two nephews (ages 3 and about 1½ , with their mommy’s help) sent me this ad, which was probably ripped out of a magazine geared toward people who think they're successful and have high tastes (there was a wine ad on the flip side).  It shames the reader into finding their perfect match through this dating company, rather than depend on their Aunt Doris’ matchmaking skills.  Here Doris is code for the only thing lamer than you, you lonely SOB.  Aunt Dorises aren’t cool, but online dating totally is….  That’s malarkey, pure and simple, and everyone knows it.  Aunt Dorises are the best, and anyone who is lucky enough to have an Aunt Doris would find their most perfect match.  She is a wise woman on a mountain and everyone goes to her for advice.  Underestimating Aunt Dorises is the most glaring mistake in this advertisement, but let me point out everything else that is wrong in this matchmaking firm’s misguided attempt to seek totally cool and not lame clients.

“A MATCHMAKING FIRM WITH AN 87% SUCCESS RATE.”

That’s not a complete sentence.  It’s ok, one doesn’t have to use complete sentences in advertisement copy, but either make it a complete sentence or delete the period at the end.  Right now it’s sad because it’s in limbo, it’s not a sentence, but it’s not not a sentence. 

“AN 87%”

Why does this have the biggest sized font?  What compelled this matchmaking firm’s creative team to make this part of the advertisement so prominent?  I would delete “AN” because really, it’s useless. And being in all caps, it’s also distracting.  It could be a state (Anabama?) or a chemical formula (apple nitrogen?).  But it’s not, because those things don’t exist.  It would make more sense if they made “87% SUCCESS” the larger font, and then deleted “rate.”  Wouldn’t you want to highlight your SUCCESS rather than an indefinite article, one of the most inconsequential parts of speech?  Here, let’s try it:

AN 87%

-or-

87% SUCCESS

Yeah, I thought so. 

“HOW’S THAT COMPARE”

Sure, this is a colloquially acceptable contraction for “how does,” but it’s not proper, and it’s kind of annoying.  It’s like they’re trying to be hip (and I bet this is the word someone on their creative team used: “We have to be hip to attract totally cool and not lame clients”), but this Aunt Doris is shaking her head at their sad little attempt. 

THE PHOTO

I could ask:  Is the hand in the photo the woman’s hand?  And then comment:  Because it seems like it would be uncomfortable for her to twist her hand around and rest her chin seductively on it.  But I know better.  If her hand was shown in a natural way, it would hide the fact that she has an opposable thumb. It’s obviously very important for this company to show that the women they will match their clients with have the ability to open their mouths and have opposable thumbs in which to grasp… things.


There are so many mistakes in this ad!  So many things are wrong!  How could you possibly trust this company and not your Aunt Doris?  Maybe you'd do that on opposite day, where you do the opposite of what's logical and in your best interest. Otherwise, always remember, all you nieces and nephews out there, Aunt Dorises always know best, and never believe those who tell you otherwise!